Why I became a feminist/feminazi

It shouldn’t surprise anyone who knows me that I would adopt something so unpopular at the moment.  I couldn’t imagine anything more socially ostracized than a feminist (okay, Black Lives Matter has it pretty rough right now too). It seems so many hold hate towards the title with little to no regard for the person holding it. So why would I, in 2016, choose to believe in something that so many consider a disease? 

Well,  I didn’t really decide to become a feminist. After 10 years of abuse (between 2 relationships), I wanted to blame me. “How did I end up in this mess? What am I doing wrong? How do I prevent this from ever happening again?” Never mind the 3 rapes, being molested by 3 different males, or the countless sexual assaults and sexual harassment. That actually had nothing to do with discovering my inner feminist.  No, it was the abuse and abuse alone.  

This is what a feminist looks like (me)

With all these questions I wanted answers. I wanted to heal and not feel broken. I wanted what psychologists call a “healthy relationship”. I always thought “it takes two to tango”, so I have to hold some responsibility, right? Wrong! I mean,  how did I miss something so clear? How do I control myself when someone else is controlling me? That’s a conundrum–but oh so obvious! But how did I miss that? How are so many missing that? 

This is what a victim looks like (me)

So here it is, years later. But time means nothing without actual effort towards a goal–and I did exactly that. I have read several books on the subject and even created a fb page to support victims & survivors while hoping to educate the public. I couldn’t confidently educate and help others without ensuring my own education, right?

By this time I had put in a lot of my personal passion into ending domestic violence. But there’s that age old question lingering in my head still. “Why do people abuse?” I still don’t have all the answers! Of course there’s many theories,  but none seem to account for all abusive men–until I came across a book by Lundy Bancroft titled “Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men”.  As he goes through all the theories,  he mentions the one thing that was universal amongst all the abusive men he has worked with. It was rigid idealism such as sexism and mysogony (beliefs the man is the leader and hatred towards women who break the idealistic mold). I thought,”But this wouldn’t be possible in this day in age, would it? It can’t be! Wait… what else would make a man beat on a woman for control? Wow,  another clear thing that I was so blind to. How am I so blind? Nothing else makes this much sense”. 

I rush to my computer and quickly Googled “does sexism cause abuse?” And there it is,  pages upon pages on it. Some articles were written from a psychological perspective (the kind of research I favor), but I also quickly took notice to the feminist articles too. “Wait a tick” I pondered, “feminists are fighting what I’m fighting?”

Then I Googled feminist views; which I greatly understood because of my research. But with that revealed this mass culture of the “antifeminist”. I tried to engage a few people who held antifeminist beliefs when I quickly realized the hostility these people hold towards feminists. It didn’t matter what I said, there was already a stubborn biased thinking based on total ignorance. 

When you think abuse = hitting,  you’re already wrong. Abuse is a system of control over another person. The abuser must have the advantage over the victim. The victim must be at a disadvantage for the control to be enforced. Hitting is meerly a symptom to abuse.  But hitting can also be self-defense. Therefore hitting can be a sign someone is using their physical advantage over another,  but not all abusers/controllers hit and not all hitting is abuse.

I was attacked with more sexist comments and mysogony by these antifeminists than I have ever experienced in such a short amount of time. But it became clear that Lundy’s research held true. Not only do many hold sexist beliefs that men are heads of women for whatever reason, but the amount of justifications one holds for it seems to render them blind to their own sexist beliefs (like if it’s excusable it no longer fits the definition? Thats a head scratcher). This had led them to believe that they’re the ones being victimized by losing the male head privilege. It’s crazy! But antifeminism reinforced my want to join the feminist plight. Apparently we have a lot of educating to do!

The exact opposite of a feminist is someone who is against equal rights for women–aka, an abuser. And it’s become clear that anyone who is anti-female rights would choose the side of antifeminism. Of course there’s some egalitarians who are afraid of the word “feminist”,  but a lot are actually the enemy of feminists… their exact opposite. 

Antifeminists inspired my desire to promote feminism. Thanks to their impeccable ability to project and deny. 

Fun Add On: 

  • Triggers are real; look up PTSD. 
  • Rape is rape. Nothing else is rape but rape. Descriptions of rape is easily searchable.
  • How a woman dresses is none of your concern. 
  • With how many people argue science and religion to why men are born leaders over women,  I can’t imagine why anyone would believe in headmates or a patriarchy. *sarcasm*
  • Tattoos are also none of your judgemental concern.  
  • “Lives like a slob and eats like trash while expecting all of society to adjust to their standards of beauty”? Awful ironic. Sounds like you’ve described a lot of men. Not to mention the beauty standards the meme suggests (what a woman should wear or how many tattoos are acceptable)

If we are equal, why is it okay for men to live like a slob,  eat trash, and expect women to adjust to their beauty standards? But if a woman challenges it, she’s a feminazi? A woman deciding what a woman should be is a nazi,  but men deciding it is okay? Wtf?! Is this, the twilight’s zone?!

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HOW TO KEEP HIM FROM STRAYING

Once again I have entered the twilight zone. As a woman who recently had her feminist awakening, everything has become all too clear to me.  Every bit of advice seems to suggest women to cater, objectify themselves,  coddle, while watching their emotions and mouth. It’s disturbing how many double standards there are. But relationship advice on how to keep your man from straying–is a bit too far. 

Everywhere you look you can find information on WHY men stray. From bordum to opportunity, they all have the same undertone–that he has no value in his partner to begin with.  So, to me,  advice on how a WOMAN can fix HIS problem seems infeasible-but it is out there! Oh boy is there advice on it. 

So let’s get on with it. I stole this little bit from Fox News Magazine:

1. Keep things interesting. If you are feeling a little bored with your sexual routine (even if you blame him), then he is most likely bored as well. Change things up. Be the one to initiate sex more often, and then take charge of the performance. Try some of the things he used to love when you were first dating.

2. Never let him forget you exist. You don’t want to smother your man or seem clingy, but he is your man. If he’s at the office late or out with the guys, you can text him a quick “I love you,” “I miss you” or “I have a special surprise for you when you get home!” Just don’t ask him where he is or when he’ll be home. You’ve still reminded him he has a woman at home who loves him and is thinking about him. Use your love to force guilty thoughts out of his mind.

3. Let him know the consequences. Early in the relationship, you can let him know in a lighthearted way (but with a deadly serious undertone) you will not tolerate a cheater. Tell him straight out when he’s basking in the afterglow of your affection. He will remember that and think about it before he cheats. It may not stop him, but if you are still worth coming home to for him, it just might.

4. Don’t nag. Some men live for their girlfriends, and some men just put up with them. Be the kind of girl men live for. It won’t make you “unliberated.” In fact, it will probably make him your willing cabana boy, doing everything he can to please you. Cook meals he enjoys, watch the football game with him, give him space and silence when he wants to read the paper or watch the news, and give him plenty of brief touches and smooches so he never loses that connection to you.

And above all, don’t nag him or argue in a destructive way. Remember, you are his support system, so when you beat him up, that can throw him into emotional turmoil with nowhere to turn. He doesn’t have all of the options you do — tears, girlfriends, mom or leftover pizza. The open, tender arms of another woman might just soothe his soul.

In other words:

1. Be an object of his desire

2. Always say nice things to him,  but don’t ever question him. 

3. Take a completely worthless step of telling a cheater not to cheat.

4. Be the plastic ideal version of a woman,  shut your mouth, do what he likes,  and leave him the hell alone… unless you want to get freaky. 

And for some reason, apparently men can’t eat pizza when they’re sad, talk to a friend,  or have parents to talk to… so don’t piss him off because he may share his penis with another girl.  Poor guy. 

So… my take-away?

If he didn’t value you before,  he’s not going to ever value you for you.  Becoming his picture of idealism isn’t being true to who you are and it’s going to make you depressed. A man shouldn’t neglect and abuse you because you’re not the perfect picture of his ideal woman. If he can’t keep his junk in his pants,  he doesn’t value you for who you are. 

I’m sick of all this advice from men telling women what women should be. WHEN WILL WOMEN START DEFINING WHAT A WOMAN SHOULD BE? Men are never going to value us for us if we continue to strive to be their idealism. And not all of us can live up to that idealism (nor want to for that matter). We want freedom from oppressive ideals. We want freedom to be a woman set by woman’s standards, not men’s.  

I’d also like to add a note on triangulation in relationships:

Some men get off on how many women they can court. It is a giant ego boost for them. They will hide their behaviors by blaming the outside parties for their “obsession” and “unwillingness to let go”. Often painting the 3rd party as the problem.  This has not only served to take the attention off of the the real scum of the operation, but it has created distrust amongst women.  

This technique has worked so well,  that in modern times we hear an over abundance of women using sexist terminology towards other women (slut, whore,  cunt, bitch). In reality, its no different than a black man/woman calling another black the N* word. It’s not only ironic, but devastatingly oppressive to the modern woman. It is mysogony. 

HOW TO GET YOUR MAN TO LISTEN

When we hit a point in our relationship where frustrations run high,  we frantically start looking for solutions. So we do a quick search for the advice we need and start reading away. But who’s writing the advice? And why is there this feeling that you’re sacrificing so much? Why is there so much anxiety when you read this advice?

Much of the advice you’ll find will have suggestions that say when you should talk to him, how long you should talk to him, and what tone you should use. With added advice on the level your emotions and words you should use. Much like this one: 

 http://www.yourtango.com/experts/marcelina-hardy/10-ways-get-your-man-understand

Not only does this advice put an awful lot of responsibility on you, it takes everything off of him. If he still doesn’t listen, you find yourself wondering if you did it all correctly. The problem is, it wasn’t right to begin with. So are you ready for the correct advice? 

1. Be respectful and honest with your feelings. 

That’s it. That’s all you’re required to do. A man who values you will listen to you or at least address you when you need him to. If he sucks at listening, there’s nothing you can do to make him value you more. Becoming his plastic ideal fake version of you will only make you depressed. The advice you find out there is still oppressing women.  Its sexist. 

Please don’t do this to yourself.  If he sucks at communication,  then he needs to learn better habits, not you.